Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
