I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
