mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
