Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
