Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
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