Betty ford says i'm here all night
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
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