Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
