you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
