are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
My penis needs a shock collar
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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