I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
