i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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