I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Randomize
