can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Randomize
