I hate all girls vehemently.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
