At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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