she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
try to milk me bitch
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
