You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
