i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
