How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
