his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
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