Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Randomize
