i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
