I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
