your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
