im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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