and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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