When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
me + whiskey = a bad person
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
