he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Help. Why am I so naked?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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