If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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