Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
