3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
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