Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
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