i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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