yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Randomize
