she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Randomize
