Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
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