god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
and you fell through a lawn chair
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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