i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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