why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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