I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
