you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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