i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Randomize
