Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
