$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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