I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I am full of burrito and curiosity
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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