When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
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