I CAN MOONWALK!
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
