I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
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