I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Betty ford says i'm here all night
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
