No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
