I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
