I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
