I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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